Another Inconvenience

So I mentioned I am taking care of a cat.
This cat... When I'm trying to sleep...
Thinks it's cool to jump all over me
or wake me up some other way.

When I'm up, she doesn't bother me.
She seems to need a lot of attention. 

Anyway, not hating on the cat.
Just wish the cat would let me be while I'm asleep.
I let the cat be when she's asleep.

Also, I thought I was only going to have her for one day.
Then he's been here twice 'to see the cat.'

And when he was here, he brought a few bugs in with him. 
Then he told the property management that I saw a few, too. 
BECAUSE they came from him. 

And they came to inspect my place...
And he told me that he told them.
And now they want to do a treatment thing. 
Even though they didn't see anything while they were here...
But because I saw a few... That came from him and his brother...
Now I have been inconvenienced even further.

And I still have the cat here.
At least until Wednesday because she can't be here
while they do the treatment here
THAT'S WHY SHE'S HERE BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T BE THERE.

That's why I thought it was only going to be a day.

But they probably need more than one treatment
and the treatment we're both getting on Wednesday
makes it their second, my 7th.

I just had started putting my stuff back 
I hadn't for over a year because I didn't want to keep having to move it.
If I had put it back each time, 
I would have had to move it 6 times.
And this time is the 7th, but 2nd time having to move it.

Am I upset that he texted me again because he just wants to come downstairs
and see his cat that could be with him, not me?
since his treatment is Wednesday. 
So I'm supposed to have her until then?

I know it's just a cat. 
But it's more like being expected to just hold onto the cat
until they decide to take the cat or make other arrangements.

But why ask me? Being "She's nice. She wouldn't mind."
One day, okay. But one week?
Then he wants to come see her every day?

I had this kind of thing happen to me with a bird. 
A friend told me he needed someone to take care of the bird
because he was going to the hospital...
But he didn't even end up going to the hospital.

It was a reason to "come over."
Him wanting to come "see his cat" feels like the same thing.
I don't like it. It feels like manipulation. 

One day, fine. 
But what was it going to be?
Let him come over all the time?
Just because he won't take the cat back yet?

So if I don't want anyone coming over, 
because I'm busy, or tired, or just want to be by myself...
What do I do? Pretend I'm not home?
Because I don't have to be available to everyone, all the time.

Why should I be a favor factory?
Anyone doing me favors?
How about NOT bringing bugs into my house?
How about all the additional stuff?
How about not with any of that?
That would have been a great favor, to me.

Anyway, I'm just freaking tired. 
When I try to sleep, I get jumped on or bugged.
I tried putting the cat in another room, 
but the cat just kept meowing. 

All I wanted was 2 more hours. That's it.

Then when I finally "woke up" he wants to come over.
I want to get work done and now have to move 3 rooms.
By myself and it's going to be an inconvenience.
And I won't want to put it back again
because I don't want to move it again. 

But also, I need to downsize. 
If I had a car, I'd make trips and just downsize.

So I have to make little trips. 

Once, I had an idea. 
To put random things into a bag
and just put it on random people's door knobs. 
That way they get to decide what to do with it.

I feel guilty about throwing stuff out.
Except for the things that obviously need to be.

And I've kept many things for sentimental value.

Doing Weird Stuff

Went out to eat with a friend of mine.
He was talking about a poutine place so we went there.
Maybe I overate or a combo of stuff, but my stomach
is just doing a bunch of weird stuff. 

Today I woke up to a knock at my door.
My friend is getting his place fumigated
so I get to borrow his cat for a while.

I freaked out this cat tonight. 
I just meowed at her, she didn't like it. Freaked out. 
So she just hisses at me any time we cross paths. 

She was fine with me all day. Until I did that.
What I think is... Most cats aren't used to a human
even sounding remotely close to them. 

I used to practice animal noises, a lot.
I know a type of meow they make for "meat"
and I gave her cat nip as soon as she got here.

Then we seemed to be cool with each other
until I meowed at her and she freaked out
and growled and hissed at me, hiding under the couch.

It's like "You're not a real human... They don't..."

The pigeons on the balcony seem to entertain her, too. 

The new nest has 2 eggs in it now, then 2 already in the corner nest.
One of the corner nest eggs hatched. 

So that happened today. I have calls to make, too. 
Still working on my site... Getting the header ready. 
Which is the easy part... The rest...
That's why just do a bit at a time, I guess.

Been testing stuff for the last 4 years.
Testing stuff's still good, but the point isn't to just test it.
Hard to explain what I mean by that.

"The goals" were just to get my "toes wet" and test.
But those are one set of goals. 
Another set of goals actually involves having something solid, one day.
That's the point of testing. Because I can "try" stuff. 
But I don't have to keep it at that.
Eventually, when I have something up.

Then, the hope is that, with that, I can set up something else etc.
Use the one to set up the next and so forth. 

Really only need one good one...

The way things are going is software.
SaaS. Software as a service. 
Like all the software that has a subscription fee to use it.
A very fine mint made off that, these days. 

A video I was watching was a guy talking about how he 
used ChatGPT to write the code files for certain tools, 
like plugins for WordPress.

I don't know exactly how it works, but code
for different kinds of tools and stuff is being sold
on a site called code canyon. 


If I was a programmer... But I'm not. 
Sure, I learned to code, but programming is different. 

Anyway, I'll stick to the things I'm doing
because I can add to it later.
That's pretty much been the goal.
I mean, other than testing and trying things. 

More or less still in research mode.
Maybe that's my comfort zone. 

Kind of like from that space it's okay if I don't make it
because it's the place of not making it.
If that makes any sense. 

Also kind of like most people don't expect me to make it, anyway.

There has to come a time where I have to ask myself
"Is this where I want to stay"
For the next 5 years?
For the next 10 years?

I'm 40 now. Time to start saving up?
Time to have something in place?
Preferring something that grows itself.

That's why I'd say any time's a good time to invest. 
Depending what it's in, though.


Those chips that are supposed to be replacing data centers...
That's what someone had posted that people should be investing in, now.

Anyway, I've got enough to test and try out.
I'll probably upgrade Chatgpt. 
It'd be cool to get help with some scripts and stuff. 
Of course there are the scripts I told are being sold online.
In the marketplace called Code Canyon.
But, I guess what I was trying to get at is that the code and script can be expanded on.

Even the same script as the site Only F*ns uses.
I've heard it was being sold on there.

Even sites that have "free tools" have ads on them.
There was a video where the guy was talking about how he made money
from "tool bar" downloads. When someone downloaded it, he got paid.

These are the things that I know are possible.
Because there are people who have done them and still are.

Of course, the web is different than it was 20 years ago, 
but there are so many opportunities...


It'd just be nice to have a simple, solid, THING
that you don't have to worry about as a source of income.
But not only that... It's there to stay.
Even getting bigger by the day.

Nothing wrong with that, right?

There are people DOING IT.
Making cash online, for real. 

There are many ways, not just selling stuff.
I mean physical stuff...

Writing doesn't bug me so I might get back into it.
If writing bugs you, hard to even want to do any of it.
Because why be bothered if it bugs you?

That goes for a lot of it. Coding is neat and all. 
At one time it BUGGED ME.
Because certain types of things I didn't know how to do...

And WordPress bugged me at one time. 
If I knew 100% how to do everything old school, 
without WordPress... I'd do it.
It makes some stuff easier, but at the same time...
A lot of software issues. 

It is what it is for now, if I can actually set something up
THAT WORKS and FOR NEXT TO NOTHING...

Wouldn't that be better for me, over all,
than continuing to contribute to a friendship 
when the guy says to you, to your face "I forgot you were here."?

Pretty sure setting up something for myself would be a way better thing
to think about and focus on. For me.

Then all the people who were trying to even talk me out of it.
I've had people try to talk me out of my goals.

If it was them telling me they wanted to do something.
It's either "If I can't help, in any way, I'll still support that you want to."
Within reason of course shouldn't have to say that.

OR a combo of "I still support that you want to"
with "Even though I can't do that, myself, I'd still be happy for you."

I keep most of my ideas and stuff to myself.

1) It's not stuff most people talk about and since most people don't talk about it,
it puts you in another category.

2) Because it puts you in another category, people get weird about it.

3) That's a lot of competition and stuff going on resentments etc.


Y'know... I'd like to be able to openly display the things that I do.
The people who already don't like me...
Won't make them like me any more than they already don't.


When I was starting to do better than I had for a long time.
Someone tried to call me out for "showboating."
That's how insane it is. 
Can't you feel happy for me that I was able to pull myself out
EVEN FOR AS LONG AS IT TOOK
FOR SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T LIKE IT
TO TRY TO MAKE ME NOT LIKE IT
AND GO RIGHT BACK TO STRUGGLING
BECAUSE HOW DARE I EVER FEEL BETTER
THAN ANYONE ELSE FEELS ABOUT THEMSELVES?
HOW DARE I FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF, FOR ONCE.
FOR ONCE IN A LONG TIME.
A REALLY LONG TIME.

When that person who tried to make me feel bad about it, 
COULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME.
BUT HOW DARE I BE THERE FOR MYSELF...

But when he goes on his little whatever...
Do I accuse him of "show boating"?
Even when he actually is?

Kind of like the people who actually want the attention
DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO GET ANY.
I don't know if any of you have seen that... Probably have.
I'm not going to assume that what is obvious to me is to everyone.

I could. I could even get upset that what is obvious to me
isn't obvious to others. Would it change the facts?

There was something I read the other day. It fits perfectly.
I would quote it to whoever said it if I could remember who said it.
"It's easier to fool someone than to convince them they're being fooled."

In a way, it speaks to how it's easier to just let someone keep fooling themselves
than to convince them that they are fooling themselves.

Let's get even deeper. Ready for this?

Easier to keep letting ourselves fool ourselves
than to convince ourselves we're fooling ourselves.

The lessons I've learned have been pretty deep.
Some of them I can share on here, others are too deep that I can't. 

I appreciate you for reading my posts. Although I don't have much to add.
If some things I've said made sense, cool. 
If you tell someone something I wrote and they buy you dinner, cool. 
(That really made my day/week/year btw). I'll always remember that.

Really, I don't feel like I'm adding a whole lot.
Even when I think I'm explaining something, or doing my best to do it, 
it's still hard for me to put it into words or put it the way it should be put
for it to make the most sense.

And just because it makes sense to ME
doesn't mean it makes sense to EVERYONE.

If it did, I wouldn't be explaining things.
Especially things I shouldn't be explaining or having to explain.
Because... It'd just MAKE SENSE.
And I wouldn't have had to go through 99.99% of the things I did.

Because it probably would MAKE SENSE
NOT TO PUT PEOPLE THROUGH
A WHOLE LOT OF BS FOR NO REASON.

I mean, it's bad enough as it is, but FOR NO REASON?

That's how I feel about all the things people did
that they never had to do to me, never had to say to me etc.
SINCE THEY KNOW THEY NEVER HAD TO
AND CHOSE TO ANYWAY, that's on them.
Trying to put it on me when they never had to...  
That bothers me.

Another thing that bothers me is like when I've legit asked for help.
It was like I was trying to cause sh*t for no reason.

Like when I've legit wanted help, it's been a sh*tshow.
Just makes me seeth on the inside. 


Like when I was trying to explain something
of a serious nature to the cops and they blew me off
"were you drinking last night"?

Anyone I was asking for help about it could have helped.
If they had... Would things be different now?

But the people who you're supposed to go to ASK FOR HELP.
WHO'S JOB IT IS...

That's what bothers me.

But when others ask for help, it's different.
They don't get all the BS just for even asking.

They don't get all the BS for being upset
about the same things that would bother them
IF I WAS THE ONE DOING IT.

Anyway, I know I've been saying it a lot. 
If it would bother anyone... WHY WOULD IT NOT BOTHER ME, TOO?
AND IF THEY WOULD BE UPSET,
WHY SHOULD I NOT BE ALLOWED TO BE UPSET, TOO?
But instead of just being upset, and being allowed to be,
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WOULD BE
It's like all kinds of extra BS
JUST FOR BEING UPSET ABOUT IT.

But they want me to be even more upset about the extra BS
ON TOP OF WHAT I'M ALREADY UPSET ABOUT
JUST TO CALL ME CRAZY AND DISMISS ME.

So why bother? Waste my time with that?
Because all it is ... A waste of time.

What is time better spent on?

Probably not on writing about it.
Because that guy just came to mind.
The guy who said "Crying's not going to change anything."
Does writing change anything?
Could it give us things to think about, sure.

Maybe due to someone thinking about something they read,
they make another choice or reconsider something...

Maybe something they read gets them thinking enough to realize something.
I can't speak on all the things that may take place...

I can only speak on things I've read. 
Try to apply them to some things I've been trying to explain. 
As best as I can. 

Even a lot I can't articulate very well, if at all. 
When you can see into what some people are doing and why...
It's easier to see why you could be doing other things.

I'll leave it there.

Weird Dreams Yet Again

I've just been working on my website. 
Tried to log into it today, to continue working, 
but there was some error with the site.
Tried logging into the site for my web hosting...
Couldn't even pull up the hosting's site...

I know it's not my computer because I can log in here.

Hasn't been for a long time, 
but I remember some of my dreams from last night.

In my dream, I went to stay with a friend
because I had nowhere to go.

In the dream, he was dating an ex of a mutual friend. 
She kept getting jealous of me and wanted me gone.

Even though I was staying with him, 
for whatever reason, (it was a dream) his place looked like mine.
And I was waking up on my bed to him giving me a box of chocolate.

(I have actually sent him a box of chocolate, once).
Just as a surprise. 

Anyway, in the dream, his girlfriend got mad
that he'd given me the chocolate. 
To either of us, it wasn't anything attached to it. 
It was just like "here's some chocolate."

The "next day" in my dream...
He broke up with her for being jealous of me for no reason. 
After they broke up, he told me about secret feelings etc. 
IT WAS A DREAM.
I doubt extremely highly he feels anything for me at all.

It's literally been so bad that I've had:
"I've only been your 'friend' because I feel bad for you."
Someone literally pretended to be my 'friend'
because they assumed enough about me
TO THE POINT THEY FELT BAD FOR ME.

Do you know how much time I wasted
trying to be A GOOD FRIEND TO SOMEONE
WHO PRETENDED TO BE MY FRIEND OUT OF 'PITY'?

Of course, I can "feel" when something's not right.
But you never expect the thing that's not right to be that.

Why do some people think they need to feel bad for me
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FIT INTO THINGS
THAT I ALREADY KNOW ARE BS?

If a whole crowd wants to throw their lives away
just to belong with each other... 
Does that mean I must think I'm bettter
for not wanting to be in that crowd?

Just because there are certain things
that I used to accept and I was forced to accept
BECAUSE I WAS EXPECTED TO.

But AFTER I said "NO"
I'm the b*tch for not accepting
what I was supposed to just accept from everyone.
Just because that's what they wanted from me, 
doesn't mean they get to get it, anymore.

I don't care if it makes me seem like I never cared. 
BECAUSE WHEN I DID, DID THEY?

OR DID THEY THINK THEY COULD DO WHAT THEY WANT
BUT HOW DARE I IF I DO?

Yesterday, my so-called friend...
The guy who straight up told me TO MY FACE 
that he FOROT I WAS THERE...

He called me. First time he called in probably over a year.
So it was a surprise to me. 
Then he was like "We'll have to get you out here..."
TO HIS NEW PLACE HE'S BEEN AT FOR A LONG TIME NOW...

Anyway, we're talking and all of a sudden I hear someone in the background. 
So I asked about it and he was saying how his friend was there.
So after he got distracted with his friend
started talking with him, 
IGNORING ME ON OUR CALL.
I just said "I'm busy, but thanks for calling."

Like ALMOST got your attention on MY call. 
But it's like a slap when he's already had his friends there.
HE HAD SOMEONE RIGHT THERE
HE WAS TALKING TO, HE GOT DISTRACTED WITH.
SO WHY BOTHER CALLING ME?

Just to rub in the fact that you haven't had me over YET?

Even when I told the guy I was actually surprised he called me. 
He even asked me why I'd be surprised...

BECAUSE HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?
BECAUSE IT WASN'T HARD TO, BECAUSE HE JUST DID IT.
SO WHY WAS IT SO HARD FOR ALL THAT TIME?

But maybe the one who gets outcasted and then treated like an afterthought...
Why call then? Because you felt bad?
About all the sh*tty ways I've been treated by people?
INCLUDING BY THEM?

Because it wouldn't take years or months.
Should it? To show a 'friend' they MATTER TO YOU?
TO ACTUALLY SHOW THEM?

So why am I the one reaching out 99.99% of the time?
And why do they seem to only reach out
OUT OF GUILT OR PITY?

To show a friend who was actually THERE FOR YOU.
WHO ACTUALLY HAD YOUR BACK
THAT THEY MATTER TO YOU...

You'd think that would just... They'd just...
IF YOU MATTERED...

Then show you and rub it in your face
THAT THEY MATTER MORE
BECAUSE CAN'T IGNORE THEM...

You can't pretend like you're just chilling
BY YOURSELF, AT HOME
AND JUST THOUGHT OF ME
AND JUST CALLED ME...

LIKE YOU DIDN'T FEEL BAD
THAT YOU WERE ACTUALLY CHILLING WITH SOMEONE ELSE
AND YOU COULD HAVE INVITED ME
BUT YOU DIDN'T

But it's like "can't ignore them"
EVEN WHEN I'M ON THE PHONE WITH YOU.

Anyway, some dreams I've had were weird...
One was where I was on a boat with some people
and then a "sink hole" opened underwater somehow, 
very close to us, it was kind of trying to suck our boats into it.

And one of the guys on the other boats
was waiting for the harbor master to instruct
like "Tell us what we should do... Dangerous situation."
He was telling me the harbor master told him to ignore it.

TO IGNORE THE SINKHOLE TRYING TO SUCK US INTO IT.

This part I'm about to write about is pretty freaky.
I was talking to a guy online, a long way back. 

For whatever reason, after we were talking one night...
I had a dream about him. I knew it was him
because of his energy, not that I'd ever actually even seen him.

In the dream, I was supposed to go meet him at a cabin.
And when I got there, there was another girl there. 
And I was so mad because it was like
"You're trying to rub it in my face..." Felt lied to etc.

There's a certain part of the dream.
Where I opened a door and he was right on the other side of the door. 
He was trying to explain something to me. 
I was still so mad that I slammed the door in his face.

Either the next day or a day after I told him
that I had a dream about him.

He was like "did it involve a cabin"?
I told him it did. But that part shocked me...

He then said... "I was trying to explain to you
that the other girl was just a manifestation, not real."

What really shocked me was "you didn't have to slam the door in my face."
BECAUSE 100% IT WAS A DREAM.
How he'd known any of the details...
Let alone that specific one.

And he's right. I didn't have to slam the door in his face.
I've done a lot of things in dreams out of anger. 
I wake up thankful it was a dream.

But knowing that there's no way I would act that way in real life. 

There was another dream where I was staying overnight
at someone's place and we were going to see his parents the next day. 
I'd never been to his parents' place before. 
You know the black and white "checkerboard" pattern of tiles?
In my dream, the floor looked like that.

WHEN WE GOT THERE, THEIR FLOOR
WAS THE WAY I SAW IT IN MY DREAM THE NIGHT BEFORE.

One that bothered me, I kept picking up on something. 
It wasn't really a dream because I was still sort of sleeping, 
but I was waking out of other dreams.

It was a teacher "distracted with something"
had like 6 kids and 4 of them got into something and died.
I don't know any details other than that.
It's probably nothing.
 
It was a really heavy feeling (that I've already felt many times).
Feeling like I was in the wrong when it wasn't about me.
Maybe feeling how it would feel if I was in the wrong
and if it'd been me who did that.
How I'd feel if I had done it.

I don't know how to put it, 
but I'd rather feel how I would feel if I had done something
over how I feel about things I've done.
Things I didn't have to do.
"You didn't have to slam the door in my face."

I can say a bunch of things others didn't have to do
when it comes to me.

I don't like the way it feels that they wouldn't have done it to THEM.
I get that from the other side, too. 
Why did I feel justified to slam a door in his face?
Just because I was angry and I felt disrespected?
So it was okay to just do that?
He's right. I didn't have to.

It was really spooky that he knew the details.
How would he know if he wasn't there?
He was the first one I even told about it.

Sometimes I wonder if I show up in other people's dreams.
Did he show up in mine? Or did I show up in his?
Or were we supposed to have that conversation
that I refused to have because even in dreams we can have free will.
Because I didn't have to slam the door in his face. 
I could have just listened to him

BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN.
THE ONLY WAY HE COULD JUST APPEAR
WAS TO PUT US WHERE I HAD THE CHOICE
TO WALK THROUGH THE DOOR.
BUT I WAS SO MAD THAT I SLAMMED IT IN HIS FACE.

How is it that we can actually be so connected
that I tapped into something that happened in another country?
That the guy knew details about the dream I had about him?
That I've acquired knowledge about a crime
that was committed at that location that I hadn't heard about? 
A few times... It scares me. 

I could have just listened to the guy.
Maybe he would have explained some things
that I'd met him for him to tell me... Possibly.
I could have walked through the door. Did I?
But I could have.

When that comes up, it does make me wonder
about what he wanted to explain to me.
Other than about the other girl... 
Because there could have been a whole lot more
had I chosen to walk through that door.
How was I to know? But had I considered it?

Maybe this is why I try to explain certain things the best I can.
Often I feel like some things only make sense to me
or maybe not explaining to others in a way they understand. 

Or maybe they're too busy slamming the door in my face
to walk through it and actually listen to me.

Even when I'm right, though, how dare I even say it!

Then people who took me through the most BS
just expecting another chance...
LIKE I COULD HAVE STOPPED BEING HIS FRIEND
THAT NIGHT.
THE NIGHT HE FORGOT I WAS THERE.

People just assume that just because I've been there...
They can just "forget" I'm there because... "can't ignore THEM."
Can start talking to someone else when you're on the phone with me.

What'll he say? "I forgot I was on the phone with you"?
So I'd rather be alone than put up with anything like that.

That's why I just took it upon myself to end the call. 
To focus on something that I want to do for myself. 
I'm the only one who does and probably ever will do
the things that I do for myself.

The problems I've seen is people getting mad at me
for doing those things for myself. 

THEY COULD DO THOSE THINGS FOR THEMSELVES, TOO.

It just sort of ties back to how some people
can't just be happy for someone else.

The other thing is that I don't want to be expected
to just rely on someone (who isn't reliable) for anything
let alone what I can do for myself. 

Not only unreliable, but only reliable for the things
that have been consistently shown to me.

BUT RIGHT UP IN MY FACE.

Can only rely on them for THAT. That's it. 
That's all they've shown to me. 
More than once. 

But what am I supposed to be expected to rely on them for?
Except for what I've just mentioned...
And how does that benefit me?

Then only think of me when it comes to little things about me
THAT THEY COULD HAVE JUST APPRECIATED
WHEN THEY HAD ME THERE.

"I forgot you were here." Is a slap in more ways than one.
Kind of like a clip I saw where an octopus straight up
slapped a kayaker in the face, but it kind of spun
to get the guy with multiple tentacles.
Like a 'round-kick' but octopus style...
It happened so fast, too, that they slowed it down...

It's a funny clip, but as an analogy... I don't know.
The rough part is knowing that they KNOW they are doing it.

Because when I brought it up that I was surprised he called...
When I told him why I was surprised, he goes "I know."
THEN WHY TRY TO ACT LIKE YOU'RE SURPRISED
THAT I'M SURPRISED?

IF YOU ALREADY KNOW?

What kind of capacity do they think I have?
Just because I trusted them not to do to me
what I wouldn't have done to them
that they wouldn't do to others
WHO MATTER TO THEM.

I trusted them not to so because of that
I somehow deserve all that sh*t?
WHEN I'VE BEEN SOLID FROM THE START?

THEN try to act like I never was...

But while I was THERE "forgot you were here."
TO MY FACE.


But why call me as an afterthought while hanging out with someone else?
And then, again, get so distracted that I get "forgotten" about...
EVEN WHEN I'M RIGHT THERE.

I'd be nice to be "remembered" while you're RIGHT THERE.
AND TO REALIZE THAT IT SHOULDN'T BE
"I CAN'T IGNORE "THEM""
TO SOMEONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE INCLUDED.
AND NOT AS A DEFAULT.

Anyway, these are feelings I've kept to myself for so long.
These are reasons that it bothers me less and less to be alone.
Because at least I have the time to work on myself
and to work towards the goals that I have.

These are the things I've noticed more and more with a lot of people.
THAT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE MYSELF
BECAUSE THAT MAKES XYZ SEEM THE CASE ABOUT THEMSELVES.

Nothing about me has to do with anyone else.
If certain things about me make others feel a type of way about themselves
Is it my fault about those things?

SO THEN, WHY SHOULDN'T I JUST BE ALLOWED
TO BE MYSELF?
OR EVEN COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO?

BECAUSE WHEN I DO... I LET SOMEONE IN...
THEY FORGET I'M THERE.

But what bugs me is ignoring me to my face
and then like trying to say I'm trying to cop an attitude about it

WHEN THEY KNOW
IT WOULDN'T BE COOL OF ME TO DO IT TO THEM.

But instead of feeling a type of way about it, or showing it, 
or even trying to EXPLAN WHY I MIGHT BE UPSET ABOUT IT
WHEN I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT.

Like being the one who doesn't get to be in the pictures. 
Ask any of my friends how many, if any, pictures they have of me, 
let alone any with the both of us..

It's not about being in the pictures...
Maybe it's the look on my face when I'm thinking about things
like the things that bother me.
LIKE BEING INVITED
JUST TO BE SINGLED OUT.

That kind of sh*t.

Knowing that others are just invited
because THEY MATTER.

It's just weird. Being singled out. 
But invited JUST TO BE SINGLED OUT?
Why invite me at all?

BUT TRYING TO PLAY
ON KNOWING THAT ALL I WANTED
FROM THE START WAS TO BE INCLUDED
AND USING IT AGAINST ME.

Like it's my fault that they could have included me.
But often, invitations... I often get a feeling like it's a set up.

Especially after anyone else has an OPEN INVITATION.
Because why restrict them? Why ignore them?

It's not that I feel entitled. I know I'm not. 
It's just seeing the stark comparison over and over.
LIKE HE'S HAD SO MANY PEOPLE OVER TO HIS PLACE
AND HAD SOMEONE OVER AS HE SPOKE TO ME
ABOUT HAVING ME UP THERE, SOMETIME.

It was easier to see him when he was around the corner, 
and thought after helping him out, that he'd at least "remember" I was there.
After a lot of things...

But how is it good for my mental health having "friends"
WHO FORGET I'M THERE?

Am I supposed to just laugh it off? Hee Hee Ha Ha?
As though they didn't say it to my face?
WOULD THEY SAY THOSE THINGS TO OTHERS
WHO MATTER TO THEM?

It took me a long time to even start feeling like I matter to myself
but it supposedly means I must think I'm better than everyone.
Just because I'm starting to matter to myself. 
So when you start mattering to yourself you realize
that you have a certain responsibility 
to focus on yourself, go for certain things you'd like to do.

If people wanted you to be sticking around just to have you around
and you show them you can be good on your own
WITH OR WITHOUT THEM...
They don't get to be upset about what you decide about it.

They can't be mad at me for saying "I'd rather be alone than that."
Why should I make time for that?

When I distance myself to rebuild myself or whatever I've gotta do...
THEN THEY GET CURIOUS. "What are you up to A***?"
When I've had to do it all on my own...
WHEN THEY COULD HAVE JUST BEEN THERE...
BECAUSE I WAS THERE.

After they DISMISS IT AND DISMISS ME.
Did they have to? Did they have to disregard me?
Did they have to disrespect me?
Just like I didn't have to slam the door in his face.

Should I just accept everyone's excuses for not doing something
that they could have done. Or just say "No more excuses"?
I shouldn't have to tell people how to treat me. 
Should they have to tell me how they want me to treat them?
Or should I already know
that certain things aren't cool to do?
Because pretty sure I should already know that.
Since I'm sure on that, pretty sure others should know, too.

That's why I point things out. 
BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT WOULDN'T BE COOL.

Like saying "I should have you out to my place"
WHILE YOU HAVE SOMEONE AT YOUR PLACE.

And talking to them
WHILE ON A CALL WITH ME.

Then I just get that AND excuses for it?
Like: "I can treat myself like crap and give myself excuses"
So why do I need yours?

It's not that I expect to be "top thought" on anyone's mind.
Or even want to be.

But being treated like that's why I expect
so why go out of their way for me?
EVEN AFTER I WENT OUT OF MY WAY FOR THEM.

Didn't do it to be "top thought." 

But remember the times I did go out of my way.
And remember why, if you even think about it.

But supposedly I'm the one who never cared. 
And supposedly I did everything to be "fake."
When it's actually the other way around
because supposedly some people straight up told me
they were only hanging around with me
because they felt bad for me
EVEN THOUGH I WAS HELPING THEM
AND THEY WERE JUST TAKING ME FOR GRANTED
TO THE POINT THEY THOUGHT
THEY HAD TO FEEL BAD FOR ME.

So who was the one being fake?
When I was the one going out of my way?
Every damn time? In many ways?

But when I'm doing something
with or without them and they see me doing better than I was...
That's when they'll want to know what's going on.
Did they care when it was an open invitation from me?

Or did they just expect me to do all the work?
I'm expected to be the "nice loving giver"
who's been generous when it comes to the chances I've given. 
I guess so much so that it's just expected of me.

And then when I do, it's thrown back in my face
AS THOUGH I NEVER TRIED AT ALL.

So it's like: Do the work and get treated like it's not enough
and doesn't even matter if I'm there or not.
Or go it alone, but it's like it when I do it,
I don't care about anything supposedly. 

Do I really have a choice?
Either stay and get treated like that.
Or go and get treated like that.

Anyone going out of their way for me?
Not that I expect them to. It's not about that.
It's more like being thought so little of
THAT I DON'T GET AN INVITATION.

I don't expect people to 'jump through hoops.'
It's that when someone could have easily been a part of my life
AND KEPT TREATING ME LIKE I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH
NO MATTER WHAT I DID OR DO.
WHEN I GO OUT OF MY WAY TO DO SOMETHING FOR THEM.
NOT TO BE FAKE. BECAUSE I WANTED TO.

But WHEN I wanted to... AND they could have...
BUT DIDN'T WANT TO OR THEY WOULD HAVE...

Then... When I don't even want it anymore
Because when I did, and they knew I did
IT DIDN'T MATTER.

Then they come back? Like it matters NOW?
They suddenly decide I'm worth something to them?
A visit? A call? Anything?

But being treated like it doesn't matter if I'm there or not.
DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO BE THERE.

In relationships, friendships, whatever. 

So how is it my fault when they were focused
ON EVERYTHING ELSE?

And yes, I woke up when I realized what I was focused on. 
And what I wasn't. 
And why that was.

But then when people realize some things
AFTER THEY ALREADY CHOSE WHAT THEY CHOSE.
BECAUSE I WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME.
DID THEY SEE THAT?

Why does it take for me to pull myself back up
FROM ALL OF THAT 
For someone who chose everything else
to decide to choose me at the end
WHEN WHY WOULD I GO BACK TO THAT?

I'd understand if I was a total sh*t to someone
And the things I could have chose that I didn't...
That they wouldn't want to revisit that with me.
They are within their right to choose that.
to retract themselves from me.
For being a total sh*t. 
Why would I expect to be given another chance?
Even if I recognize I was being a sh*t
Does recognizing it mean I deserve another chance?

When someone is focused on everyone else...
When you've been right there... The whole time...

HOW DARE THEY TRY TO COME BACK
LIKE THEY DECIDE I'M FINALLY WORTH IT...

Everyone else was worth their time and attention. 
So why pick and choose when you miss me?

Decide that they could have included me...
But they wanted whatever else instead.
And they try to make it about the fact that I'm mad about it
WHEN THEY WERE THE ONE WHO CHOSE THAT.
ALL OF THAT. THAT I HAD TO LET THEM CHOOSE
BECAUSE IT WASN'T MY CHOICE.

So what is there to be mad about?
The fact that it's not my choice?
That they know you know they kept you waiting
while giving you bs excuses?

IT WASN'T MY CHOICE.
I HAD TO LET THEM CHOOSE WHAT THEY CHOSE.

Did they have to? No.
Does it p*ss me off that it's not the same
for people who wouldn't appreciate being treated like that?
(Because of course they wouldn't).
Was it my choice to get singled out?
Was it my choice to get taken for granted?

Was it my choice to have one-sided bs?
It was my choice to waste my time on it. 
But it wasn't my choice.

It's not my choice to just be treated like a 'crazy person'
because it'd be cool, to just be acknowledged
WHEN THEY COULD HAVE ALL ALONG.

I don't fit into your schedule? Cool.
I'm of not concern to you? Cool.
"Can't ignore THEM"? Cool. 

Like you snub someone enough times... Cool.
But when you're cool with it...

And let it be what it is because they chose what they chose.
And they can't say I'm mad about it
BECAUSE IT WAS THEIR CHOICE.

Since they didn't have to choose me, 
and I don't have to choose people
who keep choosing everyone else...

It's not "where did YOU go'?
It's "where did your loyaty, admiration, respect, love, regard etc go"?
BECAUSE THEY MISS WHAT I BROUGHT WITH ME.
IF THEY THOUGHT THEY WOULD ME ME
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE PUT THEMSELVES
IN A PLACE TO LOSE ME.

When you ignore someone enough...
Why expect them to keep waiting for you?

What were they doing when they were about everything else?
Had nothing to do with me but supposedly what I'm mad about...
They wanted that, they chose it, they can have it.
When they had a chance with me, they didn't want it.
They didn't want it but wanted more chances
to not want them or care they have them. 

BUT THE VERY MOMENT I SAY, "OKAY, F*CK THIS."
Is when they decide they want to try to come back?
Because they could have just had me in their life...
When I was willing to be there, for them. 
AND WHEN I WAS THERE FOR THEM. WHERE WERE THEY?
BEING THERE FOR PEOPLE
WHO AREN'T THERE FOR THEM?

So then when I point that out...
I'm the one who's "crazy"
or just "mad" because they're there
FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

Even the ones who weren't there or never were there, for them. 
Who were only there for themselves. 
The worst is being told that I just want it to be about myself. 
When no, that's not what I want. 

It's that someone treating you unfairly...
Who is being way more than fair with others.
WHO AREN'T BEING FAIR TO THEM...
But give THEM all your loyalty...

Then when you notice my abscense... Eventually...
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GETTING FROM OTHERS
WHAT I ONCE GAVE FREELY...
THAT YOU GAVE FREELY TO EVERYONE BUT ME.

Why does it take for that to be why someone wants
YET ANOTHER CHANCE THEY COULD HAVE TAKEN
SO MANY CHANCES BEFORE THAT...
DID THEY? So why be mad that I stop?

They get mad because they should just get access to that
any time they want it, but when it was there... 
Was it of interest? Was it of value?

Does it take for that to be like: "What I had was rare"?
I won't be able to find that again. Better not lose that...

But didn't care when it was there?

Under 3 Minutes

Saw a video, yesterday. It was wild, not in a good way.
It started off about a crime and there's a backstory to it.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I watched the first one.
It was censored, so they didn't show anything.
In the comments, they were saying how some had watched the footage. 

A person was live streaming while driving drunk.
That person had her sister and another person in the back seat. 
That person flipped the car.
That person's sister flew out the window. 
Had traumatic/fatal injuries...
She live streamed her dead sister...
She only got sentenced to 6 years and served a few of those. 
Some were saying she did like 2 years.  

Out of morbid curiosity, I found the live-stream. 
There was no way she'd have been able to survive that.
Those injuries killed her. 
She was dead.

I don't drive, but not cool to drive drunk. 
To say the least.  

Once, a friend invited me and another guy to a concert
and the guy and my friend got into an intense argument
while my friend was driving and I was in the back seat. 

I had to break them up by telling them
that I didn't want to get into an accident because they were arguing. 
The anxiety through that was insane. 
Even after that, until we got back into the city, at least.

We were in another province. My health coverage
is for the province in which I reside.
It's not for all the provinces. 
Health care isn't federal, it's provincial. 

I don't know how it's handled if you have an emergency
in another province.
Thankfully, I haven't had to find out. 

I know that you can get health coverage through the blue cross
for if you take a trip to the U.S.

Anyway, it was related to distracted driving
because distracted driving can still cause accidents.

Someone in the comments was saying how they worked in the E.R
for 13 years and of all the DUI fatalities, 
it's never been the person who caused the accident who died. 

It's preventable. 

But just because you're not driving
doesn't mean you can't be in a wreck. 

Was lucky in the bus crash because there were no seatbelts. 
Was something about following a plow that had to turn around
and the bus sort of ended up almost in the ditch
with the front end damaged. 

The baggage compartment wouldn't open. 
Since my son and I were injured I wanted to get checked at the hospital. 
I hurt my back and my son hurt his shoulder from trying to break his fall. 
It hurt to even sit down for a while. 
Because the muscle was damaged, it tensed all the way up. 
The physio helped with that. 

It just can happen in an instant. 

What bothered me, as someone pointed out...
That the person in the video I watched yesterday
Only got 6 years.

While a truck driver had an accident
because there was something wrong with the truck
that he had been unaware of, wasn't drunk... 
Yes, people died... But he got something like 110 years.
Maybe it added up to that because of consecutive sentences...
I barely remember the case, 
but I remember how bad a position that guy was in... 
Due to no fault of his own, he got into an accident. 
He wasn't driving recklessly, he wasn't driving drunk. 
He was someone who drove for a living. 

One reason I decided not to drive
is that I couldn't live with myself if I caused an accident. 
It can only take one momentary lapse while driving.
Even a delayed reaction... 

It's not like GTA out there.
People have to obey the rules of the road.
That's why road rage exists.
Because some people can drive like/act like/be idiots. 

There's a show called "Worst Driver."
I often have a hard time just navigating a cart.
Never mind driving a vehicle. 

Anyway, seen some bodycam videos
of people who'd wrecked where people have died. 


There are 4 accidents that happened locally that I can remember

1) The female who was running to catch the bus and she fell
as she was trying to run down the hill to the bus stop
to catch the bus, but she somehow fell onto the road or something
because the bus hit her.

2) The time a bus hit a train and a bunch of people died, 
including the driver of the bus. It was a double-decker.

3) The time a double-decker accidentally hit the bus shelter. 
 
4) The car that broke down and pulled into the bus lane. 
Despite having the hazard lights on, a bus crashed into the car. 
The baby that was in the car died. I saw the car aftwards
because the car was towed to a junk yard near where someone I dated worked. 
The back half of that car was like... Not sure how to describe it. 
It was like pushed all the way into the front of the car.

Oh! And the other one that I could almost see from my window. 
I face the highway so I see a lot of traffic. 
That was the only serious accident I've seen on the highway, from here. 

That day, I saw police and fire trucks all there. 
There's an onramp to get onto the highway, going East.
(There are others going West too).


Anyway, it was a guy in a jeep. Someone cut him off
as he was on the on-ramp and his jeep flipped.
He was dead on contact.
I could see the scene from my window.
Far enough away that I couldn't see the guy, 
the damage to his vehicle... just saw the responders. 
That's how I even knew anything had happened. 
Usually, nothing of note, thankfully. 

Hard not to feel bad after seeing something like that. 
The live stream footage was under 3 minutes. 
That's how fast something could happen. 

It was all real. It speaks to the fragility of our existence.